A Quiet Moment Amongst Friends

The Best 2009 Burning Man Art Installations: Rough Sketches

I'm not at Burning Man this year, and I've never been to one, but I went ahead and quickly sketched the best art installations from this year's event based solely on my imagination. 

Here are the top five... 

Three abandoned cars in the shape of a teepee:

 

Somebody shooting an old computer with a hunting rifle: 

A backhoe converted into a dragon: 

 

Professional bodybuilders with over-sized animal masks:

And a port-o-let that somebody accidently set on fire:

 

This may or may not be how the Burning Man artwork shakes out in 2009. I honestly have no idea. 

Vladimir Putin Fantasy Art and Fan Fiction

On August 5th, the Times of London published a story and series of photos of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin on holiday in the wilds of Siberia. In case you missed it, the photos featured a muscle-bound, shirtless Putin riding a horse, feeding a horse, and swimming in a lake. Putin's former-KGB persona and dictator tendencies fit nicely with these shots of him looking like the Beastmaster. 

 

These images inspired my friend Seth H to create his own work of fantasy art. In his drawing, Vladimir Putin tames a fire-breathing horse while the United States is depicted as a skinny cat scurrying around at his feet. I'm guessing the flower represents democracy and the thunderstorm represents totalitarianism. 

 

 

Seth's drawing inspired the creation of my own Vladimir Putin fan fiction, presented here in three acts with original illustrations.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THE LAND OF DRAGONS

ACT I

The tale begins with the castle under siege by a ferocious winged dragon. Vladimir Putin is the king of all the land, but he is also the only warrior mighty enough to defeat the airborne menace. 

In this picture, Putin is preparing to head into battle with a long sword made of the finest Spanish steel, a clever elf, and a trusty steed. He has just traded 30 bits of gold for a bag of Magic Horse Feed that will give his stallion ten times more endurance and five times more courage than a regular horse.

After making preparations, Putin rides into battle and slays the dragon by jumping his horse off a cliff, landing on the dragon's back in mid-air, and chopping the dragon's wings off. As the dragon plummets to its death, Putin and the horse use the dragon's detached wings to safely hang-glide back to the ground.  

ACT II

Three months later and the castle is again under siege, but this time the threat comes from the water rather than the air. A family of vicious sea serpents have taken up residence in the castle's moat and they have been eating the local peasants who kneel by the water to wash their filthy rags. After witnessing enough carnage, Putin decides to take matters into his own hands. In the darkest hour of the night he creeps out of the castle, strips naked, and crawls into the reeds at the edge of the moat to wait... and watch...  

In this picture, as daylight breaks, an enraged Putin shoots out of the water, taking the largest serpent by surprise with a fatal Judo chop to the neck. After killing the monster snake, Putin dives down to the bottom of the moat and chops up the smaller serpents with his sword! 

ACT III

One week later, a messenger elf brings word to the castle that another winged dragon has been spotted across the Golden Fields, near the Forest Cliffs. Putin is so mad at the news that he crushes a goblet in his bare hands. Wasting little time, he jumps upon his majestic steed and rides for two days straight until he finds the dragon's lair.  

In this picture, the dragon wakes to the rumbling of the galloping horse. The evil lizard-beast charges at the brave, muscled warrior, but Putin is unfazed. He pulls his horse back to safety and plays a tune on a magical flute that summons a falcon to swoop down and gouge at the dragon's eyes. While the falcon is attacking the dragon, Putin plays another tune that causes lightning bolts to shoot out of the sky right at the dragon's head. The repetition of lightning strikes cause the dragon to catch fire and then explode!

 

After ridding the land of dragons, King Putin rides on wings of glory back to his people. The winds of peace sweep across the land! 

UPDATE: If you would like to add to this epic story or contribute your own Vladimir Putin fantasy art, please send it to aquietmoment@gmail.com 

UPDATE II: Giovanni GF created an additional illustration for Act III. After the lightning strikes caused the dragon to explode, the resulting fire set the entire forest ablaze. A triumphant Putin walked away from the carnage unscathed:

You Can't Shock Me

Short documentary, digital video, 13 seconds, color, 2009

My sister, Anna U, and friend Julia W recently visited the Bay Area for a long weekend. On the trip, Anna purchased a gag pen in Chinatown that delivers a shock when you press the button at the top of it. There were large warnings on the packaging about the dangers posed to people with heart conditions and pacemakers.

Julia filmed this short documentary about the pen and its capabilities.

Director: Julia W 
Starring: John U, Anna U, and Aaron C
Setting: A bar in Oakland. Three friends discuss the limits of the electrical shock pen.
Transcript:

Anna: ...yeah it does
Aaron [offscreen]: Are you sure?
John: I think you have to make a connection with your own body. [mumbles] So try pushing it.
Anna: What?
John: You can't shock me.
Aaron: Yes you can.
[A powerful shock is delivered.]
John: GOD DAMMIT
Anna: [laughter]
Aaron: [muffled] I told you!

Bonus Feature: Here is the climax in slow motion:

UPDATE: I still think I'm right about needing to make a circuit in order to deliver a shock. It looks like the only reason I got shocked is because the side of my hand touched the pen. Can anyone who passed high school physics back me up?

Reimagining Sasquatch: Finnish the Art

In June, I posted ten submissions for the Faces in the Mist: Reimagining Sasquatch collaborative art project. Morit G, a frequent contributor, was traveling abroad at the time and missed the deadline. After returning, she was bogged down by a broken computer. Undeterred, this week she fixed her computer and completed her Sasquatch face. 

It seems she misread the instructions to "finish the art" and instead adapted the drawing into a Finnish coat of arms:

I also received another very late submission from Kent C, my friend who found the original Sasquatch Activity Book. Coincidentally, Kent is of Finnish descent. 

Kent works at an outdoor science camp and he based his version of the drawing on real evidence. He writes: 

My submission, while it may appear crude, pays homage to the closest I have ever come to the mythical man-beast, which was a story told to me by a decidedly real man-beast about an encounter he had with Sasquatch while working as a wildland firefighter in the mountains of Northern California's redwood country. Among his less spurious claims was that bigfoot gave off the aroma of "50 dead sea lions". I feel the green stink lines and buzzing flies help to bring this multi-sensory experience to the viewer. I also think sasquatch probably has pretty bushy eyebrows, and yellow teeth, since he/she likely hasn't developed dental hygiene technology.

Quiet Moment Anxiety Medication for Jittery Dogs

Drawings, ink on paper, 8 1/2 x 11 inches, 2009

This morning I was checking the web statistics for this site and I noticed that somebody arrived here by Googling the words, "accidentally gave my dog too much quiet moments". (I'm currently the #1 ranked site for this specific search.) 

I couldn't figure out what this phrase meant and why someone would be searching for it, so I did some detective work. It turns out there is a popular naturopathic anti-anxiety medication for dogs called "Quiet Moments". Some poor dog must have overdosed on this drug, which contains chamomile, ginger, passion flower, vitamin B, and tryptophan (the stuff in turkey dinners that makes you sleepy). 

My discovery of the Quiet Moments medicine inspired a series of drawings about dog anxiety. 

Here is a picture of a stressed-out dog preparing to relax: 

Quiet Moments is advertised as a way to help your jittery dog through stressful situations like "thunderstorms, the 4th of July, and trips to the veterinarian". Here's how I imagine it effects the dog (elapsed time: 10 minutes):

 

 

The NaturVet company markets the pills in a conservative brown and green bottle. If I owned the patent to an anxiety medication for dogs, here is how I'd design the bottle:

 

It would be awesome if the makers of Quiet Moments wanted to team up with this site, QuietMoment.org, to come up with creative ways to get the word out about their organic herbal supplements for pets. I think both parties could benefit. If you are a representative of NaturVet, please contact aquietmoment@gmail.com. Let's do this!

UPDATE: Here are some consumer reviews of Quiet Moments from PetMeds.com: 

• My dog has severe separation anxiety. he would bark and howl nonstop when i leave, pace back and forth and whine. When I gave him quiet moments, it made him quiet.. he did not bark or whine at all, he did however tear up my bedroom door.. which is the first time hes ever been destructive. I had a webcam in the room where I could hear him, but he was out of the webcam view. WOULD NOT RECOMMEND. 
• My dog has serious separation anxiety. He has a metal kennel because he ate a hole in the resin kennel that I had for him before....in one day. He has taken to bending the hard bars in his kennel with his jaws. So I am out to find something that will calm him down I tried the Quiet Moments and from the first pill, he would not eat it, did not like the smell or taste.
• Product did calm my dog down but caused her to have less control when it came to bodily functions. 
• We use the beef flavored gel version of this product, and simply put a strip on her scooby snack treats about a half hour before a storm. 
• Once the dog senses that the whole pack is hanging out, he curls up in a ball and shakes... then, the quiet moment pill kicks in, and he rides out the storm pretty content, and even falls asleep. 
• This makes dogs breath smell like herbs.
• My mommy has me do tricks to earn my QM, but I would eat it anyways because it tastes like a treat.

Charcoal Pornography?

Three drawings, charcoal and conte crayon, 18 x 24 inches, 2009

[Warning: Mature Subject Matter]

As I've mentioned previously, this summer I took a six-week figure drawing course at San Francisco City College. The class was intended for beginners and covered the basics of gesture, value, and proportion. This was my first attempt at drawing living people, and even though the results are a little shaky, I feel obligated to share (and also because I currently don't have anything else to write about on the blog). 

So here are a few of my better drawings taken from the last two classes. As you can tell, I'm not very good at faces. These were also short drawings - each one was done in twenty minutes. 

 

I was a little bit worried if posting this violates internet laws against pornography. I wasn't even sure if this was pornography. To address my concerns, I did some Google searches for "pornography" and came up with some pretty confusing results. I learned that pornography is subjective, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart notably put it in a 1964 obscenity case: "I know it when I see it".

I invite you to apply that same test: If these drawings make you feel funny on the inside, then IT IS pornography. If they make you feel the same as being at a museum or listening to NPR, then it IS NOT pornography (unless you get aroused by NPR and museums, in which case IT IS pornography). 

And as far as the legality of putting this on the internet? I'm pretty confident after my research that I have nothing to worry about.

UPDATE: Here are all the naked people hanging out together. I still don't think this qualifies as pornography, but it might be getting closer.