A Quiet Moment Amongst Friends

Mysteries of the Human Body

Hey, everyone, I'm currently training to become a doctor, but instead of going to medical school, I've decided to figure everything out on my own. I created a series of animated diagrams illustrating the most critical bodily functions. These are the areas of the body I'll be working on every day in my clinic.

 

Blood

Blood is the fuel that powers the body and keeps all of the internal parts moist. The heart moves the blood around the body so that it doesn't slow down and stagnate. If blood sits in one spot for too long it turns blue.

If you lose blood, either through injury or blood donation, your body will eventually make more of it. I'm not exactly sure how that works.

Breath

After blood, breath is the most important bodily concern. The lungs create air, or "breath", and shoot it out into the atmosphere to collect oxygen molecules. You can think of breath like a swarm of bees that collect honey and bring it back to the hive. Your breath is always out there working hard, looking for oxygen. 

Guts

The guts of a human body are incredibly complicated. Guts encompass all of the internal functions not related to breathing, blood, or your brain. Put your hand on your belly and push in. Everything you feel under there is your guts. 

The most famous thing that guts do is turn food into waste. Your guts also alert you to throw up when you eat something rotten. 

Nerves

Nerves are the invisible pathways that send and receive signals from the brain. Very little is known about how this works. For example, you can think about moving your foot, and it moves, but sometimes if you sit cross-legged for too long, your foot won't move even if you want it to. Stranger yet, if you poke a sleeping person in the foot with a stick, they will kick. That wasn't even their thought. They were asleep!

Hair

Hair is the most aesthetically pleasing bodily system, but it also plays a critical role in our survival. The body uses hair to regulate temperature. If you live in a cold climate, you will grow a lot of hair in the winter and shed it in the summer. People living in hot climates are practically hairless.

I hope you learned some things about the body that will help you live a healthy life.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: While the information presented here is factually correct, I am not yet licensed to practice medicine and therefore cannot recommend the use of this information to diagnose or treat a medical condition. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please call 911.

Thank You, Presidents, For Being Our Leaders

For the latest installment of the collaborative Buddy System series, I created a patriotic template and asked my friends to draw their favorite president for Presidents Day. I received eleven incredibly diverse responses. Here they are in full glory:

The first submission is from Morit G, who found inspiration in Grover Cleveland's working-class taste buds. Cleveland thought the fancy food they served at the White House was gross. 

Fun fact: At the age of 49, Cleveland married an opportunistic 21-year old, marking the only marriage of a sitting US President in history. 

 

The next submission is my own. I drew the only five presidents in American history to sport beards. From upper left going clockwise, you have Benjamin Harrison (perhaps the longest beard); James Garfield (scraggliest); Rutherford B. Hayes (wispiest); Abraham Lincoln (neck beard); and Ulysses S. Grant (shortest). The era of bearded presidents started with Lincoln in 1861 and ended with Benjamin Harrison in 1893. Sadly, America has never had a bearded president since. (Although, Al Gore came close.)

The next submission comes from world-renowned blogger, "14", creator of Gallery of the Absurd and Resplendent Chaos. For this assignment, 14 reworked a sketch that was inspired by an article she read that included a claim by former president George W. Bush that he cried in the White House on a daily basis.

 

Another Bush-inspired piece came from Angela B and her son Magnus who worked together on a Curious George coloring page. The purple and yellow squiggly lines represent the challenges faced by Bush during his eight years in office.

Fun Fact: All of America's current economic troubles are the result of policies put in place by Bill Clinton and Barney Frank, not Bush.

 

Jake C, a distant relative of President Calvin Coolidge, sent in a portrait of Barack Obama that he created on his iPhone.

Fun Fact: President Barack Obama is America's first president of Kenyan descent.

 

Seth L drew an ink portrait of Don Duff, President of the Northwest Allen County School Board. 

Fun Fact: Before becoming school board president, Don Duff was also the president of a life insurance company and an international insurance marketing company.  

 

Julia W drew a unique portrait that morphs together Teddy Roosevelt and Franklin Roosevelt. 

Fun Fact: Teddy Roosevelt came up with the idea for the Teddy Bear after he had visions of tiny bears in a polio-induced fever dream.

 

David S, a first time contributor, sent in a portrait of a president he would like to see. He explains: 

Dreams are important, they inspire us and drive us onward in the face of a miserable unforgiving world full of casual cruelty. That's why I drew my dream president, former attorney general Janet Reno. Did you know that JRe (as we call her) was the FIRST female federal attorney general ever? That is why I know she would also be a great first lady President! I've drawn her in a tie because she is not concerned with conforming to societies' antiquated gender roles. 

Fun Fact: Janet Reno originally wanted to call Ted Kaczynski the "Mailman of Death", but she was overruled by President Clinton who favored "Unabomber".

 

My sister, Anna U, drew a picture of a bat president.

Fun Fact: Bats sleep while hanging upside down in caves.

 

Nico C was inspired by the Star Wars movies. He thought Boba Fett, the notorious outer space bounty hunter, would make a pretty cool president.

Fun Fact: Harrison Ford, the actor who played Han Solo, is the adopted son of former-President Gerald Ford.

And last, but certainly not least, is Carl W's thought-provoking Super Bowl-inspired take on patriotism and cosmetic surgery. Carl envisions an America ruled by the E*Trade baby.

Fun Fact: Carl is an attorney who works for the Federal government, just like U.S. Presidents.

 

I hope you all learned some new things about presidents this Presidents Day, I know I did. Many thanks to all who participated and God Bless America!

J. Ludwig Riedesel: The Greatest Beard of All Time

Found photos, photoshop, animated GIF, 1821-2009

Ladies and Gentleman, please give a round of applause to your 2009 Great-Great-Great Grandfather Greatest Beard of All Time: 

J. Ludwig "The Diesel" Riedesel

This thing was mighty close, with Tichenor and Riedesel separated by no more than a single vote for most of the last three days. In the final two hours, the Ludwig Lunatics came out of the woodwork to put their guy on top for good.

  

Final Score 
Captain Tichenor -- 6 votes
"The Diesel" Riedesel -- 9 votes

Here's the final bracket. As you can see, Riedesel's beard was blowing up. He set this tournament on fire! 

Tichenor put up a good fight, as did all of the other bearded warriors, but in 2009, nothing was going to slow The Diesel down. J. Ludwig smoked us all!

I also just now realized that I had access to two additional Riedesel photos that would have made him that much stronger. This man is a beard legend.

  

Thanks to everyone who voted. Your refusal to sit idly by and watch this play out at the whim of strangers made for a healthy competition. As the present day kin of Jasper Bridge and William Tichenor, I respect and certify the results of this election, and tip my hat to the winner. 

I'd also like to say a few words to the genealogists of the future who will be discovering this contest as they seek out information on the internet about their relatives: Participating in a beard contest is one of the more honorable things that the ghosts of centuries-old relatives can do. All of these bearded gentlemen are winners. Make sure to include the results of this contest in the historical record. Thank you.

Update: What's next? I've gotten some great suggestions for other contests, including eyebrows, dad mustaches, grandma mustaches and/or hairstyles. These may have to wait. I need a respite from anything hair-related for a while. It's starting to gross me out. 

Update 2: All you late-comers can relive all the action here.

The Championship Match in Ancient Beardage

Photographs, beards, sports entertainment, 1810-2009

The results are in from the Final Four and it wasn't even close:

#1 vs #6
J. Ludwig Riedesel -- 6 votes
Jasper Bridge -- 2 votes

Riedesel held court and continues an impressive tournament run. Compared to Tichenor, Riedesel's been up against some tough lower-seeded competition. Don't be decieved by the lower vote totals, The Diesel might have swept this round had it not been for John and Anna U shamelessly voting for their dear kin, gentleman Jasper.

#2 vs #6
Captain William Tichenor -- 7 votes
James Higgins -- 1 vote

Captain Tichenor mopped the floor with ol' James Higgins. Higgins only recieved one vote which came from Ryan A, who fell hard for the Irishman's charm. The dominance of Tichenor in this round was stated best by Kent C:  "[Tichenor's] eyes seem to just be searching the horizon for bearded men to take down a notch, while Higgins looks as though he just sighted Tichenor's ship bearing down on him with all sails set, and is wishing he hadn't drank that second cup of potsum!"

So folks, this brings us right back to where this contest started three weeks ago: Tichenor challenging Riedesel for the hairy crown.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

#1 J. Ludwig Riedesel vs #2 Captain William Tichenor

   

By now you know a great deal about these men. At this stage of the contest, there isn't much more I can say; you'll have to go with your gut. I will say that I started this contest as an elaborate way to prove to Seth L that my great-great-great grandfather is cooler than his great-great-great grandfather and I'm confident that the voter's will make the correct decision.

Voting will close at midnight PST on Monday, April 13th. The voting criteria is the same as previous rounds. You can learn more about the competition and the previous rounds in the Beards archive. 

The winning great-great-great grandfather's spirit will get to hold the title of Greatest Beard of All Time for a period of one year or until this contest is held again.

Update: Tuesday 11:48 am PST, The voting closed last night at midnight. This is a close one. The votes are being counted and recounted and a winner should be announced later today. Stay tuned!

Final Four in the Great-Great Grandfathers With Beards World Championship

Found photographs, black and white, 1810s-1930s

Many thanks to everyone who voted in the first round. The final results are in:

#1 vs #8

J. Ludwig Riedesel -- 11 votes

Benjamin J. Coleman -- 2 votes

No big surprises here. The Diesel came in to this tournament as a heavy favorite and he took care of business against Coleman, a starry-eyed novice who relied on a gimmick to get into the contest. Beating a 2009 Berkeley, California beard is a cakewalk compared to the centuries old, wiry-haired cocoon that he’ll have to fight his way out of to advance to the finals. Watch out, Diesel, everyone is gunning for you!

#2 vs #7

Captain William Tichenor -- 12 votes

Cole Younger -- 1 vote

This was a blowout of epic proportions. Cole Younger had his ass handed to him by William Tichenor, captain of the high seas. Younger was clearly hurt by the fact that he wasn’t a great grandfather. I also underestimated the degree to which the voters would turn against a beat-up outlaw with a sleazy looking goatee.

#3 vs #6

Pesach Wolf Cotlarsky -- 6 votes

Jasper Bridge -- 7 votes

This was a heart-breaker that came down to one vote! Both of these great-great grandfathers could have won this contest and it’s a shame that one of them has to be eliminated. The voters had an agonizing choice to make between very different styles of beard and personality. As a descendant of Jasper Bridge, I would like to offer my immense gratitude to Mr. Cotlarsky and his kin for a battle well fought. I also want to acknowledge the support Cotlarsky received from his home crowd.

#4 vs #5

Sigmund Freud -- 5 votes

James Higgins -- 8 votes

Like Pesach vs Jasper, this was a nail-biter. Kevin R’s stories about Higgins’ interesting family life may have played a role in opening up a lead that Freud couldn’t surmount in the final day. Freud also may have been hurt by the fact that his name conjured up uncomfortable mental pictures of penis envy, the Oedipus complex, and vagina dentata. Hopefully Morit will be able to track down a photo of Rabbi Arje’s snowy white, Rip Van-Winkle beard for next year’s competition.

So here we are: The cousins and uncles have been eliminated and we are back to a good old fashioned grandpa contest. I'm pleased to present your FINAL FOUR:

#1 J. Ludwig Riedesel vs #6 Jasper Bridge

On paper, these two are very evenly matched: Both have long, unkempt tentacles pouring down onto their mid-chest; both are of a similar age with sun spots and wrinkles that reflect a life spent outdoors performing manual labor; and both complement their beards with smart hair styles (Ludwig with the poofy, up-curled sides and Jasper with the Bob’s Big Boy flip). Riedesel has a slight upper-hand here because he is a great-great-great grandfather to Bridge’s great great. This is going to be a fun match.

#2 Captain William Tichenor vs #5 James Higgins

Tichenor and Higgins are also surprisingly well matched. Both men are sporting bushy goatees and stern expressions. While Ludwig versus Bridge is a battle between two soft, kindly gentlemen, Tichenor versus Higgins will likely be won by intimidation and intensity.

[Some additional fun facts about Captain Tichenor: He was supposedly roommates with Abraham Lincoln in college. His ship was named the “Sea Gull”. He founded the town of Port Orford, Oregon. In order to establish camp at Port Orford, he battled a Native American tribe. There is a lot of debate about how that transpired. Here’s the family-friendly State of Oregon version.]

At this phase of the competition, any additional biographical information about the competitors is welcome.

PLEASE CAST YOUR VOTE FOR THE FINAL FOUR BY 12PM PST, THURSDAY, APRIL 9

If you are arriving to the contest late, you can catch up by going here, here, and here.

The voting criteria is the same as the previous round. Please vote by Thursday at midnight. I was forced to toss out my mother's votes in the previous round because she was 12 hours late. This is serious business.

The Final Bracket is Set for the Distant Relatives With Beards Tournament of Champions

Genealogy, photography, digital video, gambling, 2009

Four additional competitors have been entered into the Distant Relatives With Beards Contest, bringing the total number of participants to eight. The entry period is now closed. 

Morit G poured through her family archives in a desperate attempt to find a photo of her great-grandfather, Rabbi Samuel Arje from Rovno, Ukraine. According to Morit, Rabbi Arje had the longest, whitest beard that she has ever seen. She never found a photo, but she came close when her research led her to this photo from her great-grandfather's beard-friendly hometown:

With no photo of her grandfather, she was about to give up when, miraculously, the contest was expanded to include distant relatives. With the new liberal rules, she was able to enter the distant cousin of her great-grandmother, Minna Freud (Rabbi Arje's wife)  --  that cousin was Sigmund Freud.

 

Kevin R called upon his aunt to send him a photograph of his great-great grandfather, James Higgins. Higgins was born in Ireland in 1837 and later immigrated to Wisconsin. He married his wife Maria when she was 14. They bore eighteen children. James had a solid, midwestern-style, jumbo goatee:

Anna U entered her great-great grandfather, Jasper Bridge. Jasper lived in Salem, Oregon at the turn of the century. He sported a full-on frontier beard. It's also worth noting that Jasper is smiling, something you don't see very often in posed photos from the olden days. [Full disclosure: Jasper is also my great-great grandfather. He is not related to Captain Tichenor. I'll be following up with Pat U to obtain additional information.]

 

And finally, my one-year-old second cousin, Winslow C, entered his father Ben C. This pushes the boundries of the contest rules. Technically, as Winslow's father, Ben is a relative, but not a distant relative. I decided to bend the rules and allow Ben to compete after I used Photoshop to age his photo and make him look like a young great-great grandfather.

As always, I conducted a computer-guided visual analysis to determine whether a genetic relationship exists between the ancient beards and the ancient beards' ancestors. As you can see, each of the four new competitors pass the test with flying colors: 

If this morphing technique looks familiar, it's because I blatantly plagiarized the Michael Jackson video for Black and White.

Now that the final eight have been selected, a special acknowledgment is needed for Carl W and Betsy G who both made valiant efforts to find photos of beards in their past but came up empty handed. 

The Rules

• Each head-to-head contest will be decided by popular vote
• One vote per person per contest (honor system) 
• Votes will be cast by leaving a note in the comments
• Each round will accept votes for three days. There will be three rounds of voting over the next nine days (First Round, Semi-Finals, Finals)
• Debating is encouraged
• You are allowed to vote for your own guy 
• The first round of voting will include four contests. Voting for the first round will end on Sunday night, April 5th  
• Besides the money you can make by gambling with your friends, there will be a secret prize for the winner! 

The Judging Criteria

• 10% - Length of Beard - How long did that take to grow?
• 10% - Thickness of Beard - Can you get your fingers through that thing? 
• 10% - Style - What unique fashions are incorporated? Mustache, goatee, neckbeard, etc
• 10% - Age - How old is that guy? 
• 10% - Competitor Back-story - How does the beard fit in with the guy's narrative?
• 50% - Vibes - As in, "I get a good vibe off that beard" or "That beard gives me the spooks"

The Bracket

Without further ado, here is the official 2009 bracket as well as some notes on the head-to-head matchups

#1 J. Ludwig Riedesel vs #8 Benjamin J. Coleman 

  

By all accounts, this should be a complete blow-out. Ludwig is the oldest competitor and he has the longest beard. Ben is still alive and he just started growing his beard two months ago. Does Ben have a shot in hell? Who knows, stranger things have happened. 

#2 Captain William Tichenor vs #7 Cole Younger

  

I predict that Tichenor versus Younger is going to be surprisingly tight. Tichenor used to sail ships around the tip of South America; Younger used to roam the plains and rob banks. These are tough dudes. 

#3 Pesach Wolf Cotlarsky vs #6 Jasper Bridge

  

The steely-eyed "Wolfman" wears his dark hat into battle against jovial old Jasper sitting out on the back porch. We have a white, well-manicured beard squaring off against the scraggliest beard in the contest. This is a true toss-up!

 

#4 Sigmund Freud vs #5 James Higgins

  

Sigmund Freud thought that masculinity was symbolized by the phallus and that its power could be taken away by other men; James Higgins had eighteen children with one wife. This contest is going to be interesting. 

THERE ARE FOUR CONTESTS - PLEASE VOTE ON EACH ONE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION - ALL VOTES MUST BE CAST FOR THE FIRST ROUND BY SUNDAY, APRIL 5th

Update: This tournament is almost like illegal pit-bull fighting. I hope I don't fall prey to some type of curse for monkeying around with the memories of these men. This is all in good fun. If any of these great-grandparents are paying attention, I'm sure what they're seeing us do is far more entertaining than looking down from a cloud and watching someone put together a family tree at a library.

Update Saturday, 3:45 pm PST: We've had heavy voter turnout over the last two days. Thanks for all the participation. The voting for this round will end at 12 pm PST, tomorrow night. Right now Riediesel and Tichenor are fending off the competition with ease, while Bridge and Higgins are heading towards upset victories! 

More Competitors in The 2009 March Madness Great-Grandfather Beard Challenge

Found photographs, digital video, 2009

Two new competitors have entered the Great-Grandfather Facial Hair Contest and more competitors are coming soon! 

Ben Y comes out swinging with this hand-colored photograph of his great-great grandfather, Pesach Wolf Cotlarsky from Kiev, Ukraine. The snow white beard is going to present a major hurdle to the other participants. 

Nick L has stirred up some controversy with the submission of Cole Younger, one of the outlaws in Jesse James' gang. Cole is either Nick's distant cousin or uncle. An executive decision was made to allow this non-grandfather into the contest. This has major ramifications. A new precedent has been set: all famous bearded relatives are now fair game. 

Cole Younger before a fight.

Cole Younger after a fight.

A computer analysis was performed on the new entries and both men check-out as descendants of Ben and Nick:

Entries are being accepted until Friday, March 27th. E-mail [email protected]

Great-Great-Great-Grandfathers in an Epic Battle for Beard Supremacy

Found photographs, photographs, photoshop, video, pixels, 1888 - 2009

Last week, Seth L's mother Laurie was researching his family genealogy and found a photograph of Seth's great-great-great-grandfather on the internet. J. Ludwig Riedesel was a farmer who emigrated from Prussia in the mid-1800s.

 

It's a fantastic find, but to be completely honest, I'm a competitive guy and my initial reaction was to worry that Seth's great-great-great-grandfather might have a nicer beard than my great-great-great-grandfather, the sea captain William Tichenor. 

This is March Madness, and it seems the only way to settle this is to have an old fashioned great-grandfather beard contest. If I can get some more photographs of great, great-great, or great-great-great-grandfathers, I can put together a bracket that we can all bet on. I'm biased, but I think my surly-looking ancestor's monster goatee is going to be tough to beat. If you think your great-grandfather can run with these two dudes, you better get in on this. 

You may be wondering if Seth and I rigged the contest by stealing some random photos off the internet. It's offensive that you would even think that, but I'm cautious, and to prove that we are related, I digitally morphed our faces with our ancient kin. The pictures and videos are indisputable evidence of a genetic relationship. 

Seth clearly has the Riedesel eyes and cheeks:

 

And I've got the Tichenor nose and heavy brow:

 

As an incentive for entering your great-grandfather (or greater) into the March Madness for Beards, I will morph you into your distant relative's photo. How sad would it be if this contest was just my grandfather crushing Seth's grandfather? If this is going to work, we need some competitors, so everybody get cracking! 

Contest Rules:

• Participants must be a great-grandfather or greater-grandfather (greatest?)
• Multiple entries are acceptable. 
• All participants must have some form of facial hair (you can enter a grandfather with a pencil mustache but he probably won't make it out of the first round. This is mainly a beard contest.)
• One photograph is required per participant (paintings or sketches may substitute photographs if the image was created during your grandfather's lifetime. ex. If Ulysses S. Grant is your great-grandfather, you're in with a $50 bill) 
• The judging process will be determined in the coming weeks

Entries must be submitted no later than Friday, March 27th. Competitors will be added to the blog as soon as I receive a photograph. Once the bracket is set, we'll start betting real money ($$$). Tell your friends. You might need to ask your parents to help you with this. 

Send entries to [email protected]

Good luck!