A Quiet Moment Amongst Friends

Heart Hospital 911

Every day on my way to work I pass a temporary mural created by children that sits in front of a construction site at San Francisco's General Hospital. Most of the mural depicts anthropomorphic hearts that have fallen ill. This is their story. 

It had been a normal morning at the hospital before ambulances began showing up with dozens of critically ill hearts. Alarms bells sounded and physicians were called in from every department to begin a triage.

Time was of the essence. 

While the day was stressful in some ways, the doctors couldn't help but smile as they operated on hearts instead of people for a change.

The human patients in the hospital enjoyed meeting the hearts, but the hearts were uncomfortable around the humans.

As soon as the hearts started to feel better, they would get up and dance around. Some of the hearts would also sing. The hospital staff were not amused. 

While there were many happy stories at the hospital that day, sadly, not every heart survived. 

The End. 

One Hundred Ronald McDonalds

Collection, found photographs, One hundred 120x120 pixel squares

The one hundred Ronald McDonalds that make up this collection were selected from publicly available images on the internet. Each of these images shows a professional Ronald McDonald, past or present, working somewhere in the world. 

I was inspired to put this collection together after viewing a photograph of a friend with Ronald McDonald at a charity event. It struck me that multiple, authentic Ronald McDonalds must exist at the same time. This collection attempts to show the diversity that exists within this sub-category of the professional clown world. Some of these Ronalds are old, some are young, and some might actually be ladies. These photos, taken together, also highlight the disturbing qualities inherent in every clown. Think of this collection as fragments of memory in the mind of a child. Taking your kid to McDonald's may cause serious, long-term psychological damage. 

Click here to view a full size image of the entire collection.

UPDATE: Who are your five favorite Ronalds? Post your responses in the comments. 

Crizal It!

Found advertisement, 10 x 12 inches, 2010

 

Dr. Lee: So, I think I'm going to take out a full page ad in the San Francisco Weekly. 

Dr. Woo: Why? Isn't that going to cost thousands of dollars? What are we going to do with all that space?

Dr. Lee: Well, do you remember last year at the trading card convention when I got my photo taken with WWE wrestler, "The Game"? He's the one who says "Game Over"?

Dr. Woo: Um... I barely remember that. 

Dr. Lee: I think that photo would send a powerful message to all the other optometrists in town: IT'S GAME OVER!

[Long pause]

Dr. Woo: Alright, let's do it. 

THE END
 

UPDATE: Crizal® is a special anti-smudge lens coating "using technologies from the micro-electronics, flat screen and fiber optics industries".

How to Make a Jam Band Out of Stuff You Have Lying Around the House

Anthropomorphic sculpture, digital photographs, 500x400 and 400x600 pixels, 2009 

My friend Amy D was bored yesterday and decided to make a jam band out of stuff she had lying around the house. You're probably thinking that making your own jam band takes days or weeks, but it doesn't. You can do it in 30 minutes! Just follow the five easy steps:

1. Grab anything you have lying around the house that has a face on it and that you can easily lift (like a stuffed animal or a cookie jar). These will be the musicians. 
2. Collect all of your real instruments (like drumsticks or a harmonica). If you don't have real instruments, make your own out of boxes, toothpaste tubes, or old cans.
3. Take each of the instruments that you've collected and tape them onto the musicians.
4. Make up a back-story about a sleazy traveling jam band in the 1970s. 
5. Sit back, have a beer, and watch your band have a fantasy jam session.

Here is Amy's band and their captivating story:

"The band was Vegetable Basics. The year was 1977."

"Raul 'The Boss' Estramado had a bad temper and a problem with authority. He also had a problem with methamphetamines. The other band members dubbed him the leader, not because of his middle-school education or because he claimed to be related to Ulysses S. Grant, but because he frightened everyone."

 

"The Albertini brothers joined Vegetable Basics straight out of an Idaho penitentiary. If there was one thing the brothers were good at, it was electric guitar and bass. If there was one thing they were bad at, it was saying no to dope and loose women."

 

"The band's distinctively heavy sound came from the keyboards and there was no better keyboard player in those days than Tommy 'One Ear' Ghiradelli. He was also the shy one of the bunch, but the other guys liked having him around because he studied chemistry in college and knew how to make his own drugs."

 

"Vegetable Basics had a mighty good run. They performed on Japanese TV and played festivals all over the world, but, like all good bands, they were eventually ripped apart in a tornado of booze, embezzlement, and venereal disease."

"The End."

Unforgettable Moments in Sayulita, Mexico

Collage and doodles, 500 x 1000 pixels, color, 2009

I just spent five days in the town of Sayulita on the Pacific coast of Mexico. It was a great trip. On the return flight I doodled in the Alaska Airlines in-flight magazine. Like cave drawings from the prehistoric days, these drawings and the resulting collage tell the complete story of the vacation. 

Here are some hints to help you decode the piece:

• The beach in the upper right is the actual beach where I hung out. 
• The reoccurring snake symbols represent two boa constrictors I found by my lodging.
• The pools represent me being in a pool. 
• The surfboards represent me going surfing.
• I saw Shannen Doherty. 
• Alaska Airlines offers daily nonstop service to Puerto Vallarta from San Francisco.
• All of the hands looked like gremlins. 

UPDATE: My brain hasn't fully returned from vacation and I'm backed up with real work. The blogging may be a little slow while I get acclimated.

Vladimir Putin Fantasy Art and Fan Fiction

On August 5th, the Times of London published a story and series of photos of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin on holiday in the wilds of Siberia. In case you missed it, the photos featured a muscle-bound, shirtless Putin riding a horse, feeding a horse, and swimming in a lake. Putin's former-KGB persona and dictator tendencies fit nicely with these shots of him looking like the Beastmaster. 

 

These images inspired my friend Seth H to create his own work of fantasy art. In his drawing, Vladimir Putin tames a fire-breathing horse while the United States is depicted as a skinny cat scurrying around at his feet. I'm guessing the flower represents democracy and the thunderstorm represents totalitarianism. 

 

 

Seth's drawing inspired the creation of my own Vladimir Putin fan fiction, presented here in three acts with original illustrations.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THE LAND OF DRAGONS

ACT I

The tale begins with the castle under siege by a ferocious winged dragon. Vladimir Putin is the king of all the land, but he is also the only warrior mighty enough to defeat the airborne menace. 

In this picture, Putin is preparing to head into battle with a long sword made of the finest Spanish steel, a clever elf, and a trusty steed. He has just traded 30 bits of gold for a bag of Magic Horse Feed that will give his stallion ten times more endurance and five times more courage than a regular horse.

After making preparations, Putin rides into battle and slays the dragon by jumping his horse off a cliff, landing on the dragon's back in mid-air, and chopping the dragon's wings off. As the dragon plummets to its death, Putin and the horse use the dragon's detached wings to safely hang-glide back to the ground.  

ACT II

Three months later and the castle is again under siege, but this time the threat comes from the water rather than the air. A family of vicious sea serpents have taken up residence in the castle's moat and they have been eating the local peasants who kneel by the water to wash their filthy rags. After witnessing enough carnage, Putin decides to take matters into his own hands. In the darkest hour of the night he creeps out of the castle, strips naked, and crawls into the reeds at the edge of the moat to wait... and watch...  

In this picture, as daylight breaks, an enraged Putin shoots out of the water, taking the largest serpent by surprise with a fatal Judo chop to the neck. After killing the monster snake, Putin dives down to the bottom of the moat and chops up the smaller serpents with his sword! 

ACT III

One week later, a messenger elf brings word to the castle that another winged dragon has been spotted across the Golden Fields, near the Forest Cliffs. Putin is so mad at the news that he crushes a goblet in his bare hands. Wasting little time, he jumps upon his majestic steed and rides for two days straight until he finds the dragon's lair.  

In this picture, the dragon wakes to the rumbling of the galloping horse. The evil lizard-beast charges at the brave, muscled warrior, but Putin is unfazed. He pulls his horse back to safety and plays a tune on a magical flute that summons a falcon to swoop down and gouge at the dragon's eyes. While the falcon is attacking the dragon, Putin plays another tune that causes lightning bolts to shoot out of the sky right at the dragon's head. The repetition of lightning strikes cause the dragon to catch fire and then explode!

 

After ridding the land of dragons, King Putin rides on wings of glory back to his people. The winds of peace sweep across the land! 

UPDATE: If you would like to add to this epic story or contribute your own Vladimir Putin fantasy art, please send it to [email protected] 

UPDATE II: Giovanni GF created an additional illustration for Act III. After the lightning strikes caused the dragon to explode, the resulting fire set the entire forest ablaze. A triumphant Putin walked away from the carnage unscathed:

I Want To Throw Up and Kill Something: The Real Adventures of Brittny and Kelsee

Found note, 8 1/2 x 11 inches, 2009

Last month my friend Jason W emailed me the text of a note his friend, Thomas M, found in a used book at the Portland bookstore where he works. I contacted Thomas and he kindly sent the original note.  

Jason alerted me to the note to settle a debate that had raged around a previous post in which two people discuss a "Fuck The World" tattoo. Even though the handwriting in the tattoo note was a little girlie, I assumed it was written by boys because girls would never use the word "dude" when talking to other girls. Jason thought otherwise and he was able to track down incontrovertible evidence that girls refer to each other as dude, just like boys. Well played, dude! 

Besides settling the debate, the letter from Brittny to Kelsee also stands on its own as a real life situational comedy. I was inspired to create a comic using the dialogue and characters from the letter. I don't know about you, but I think Brittny needs to chill out and give Ben another shot.

Comic, 6 x 6 inches, ink on paper, 2009

Los Origenes de los Hebreos

Found drawing, pencil, pen and colored marker on paper, 8 1/2 x 11 inches, 2009

Cover translation: "The Origins of the Hebrews"

Panel One: "The road taken by the Israelites when they left Egypt."
Panel Two: "God gave the Ten Commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai." 
Panel Three and Four: "Drawing" 

I found this water-damaged booklet about Jewish history on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. The spanish-language fold-out tells the tale of the Exodus from Egypt and Moses recieving the Ten Commandments. Interestingly, the Red Sea is depicted as an enormous half-tomato, half-caterpillar monster.

As I have done in the past, I took it upon myself to restore the piece and help the original artist flesh out their concept. I started by giving the Red Sea monster a more realistic facade. I then used colored pencils to add depth and texture to the desert landscape. Moses and the Israelites were given nicer clothing and fun hairstyles. For the final touch, I wrote "Exodus" and "10 Commandments" in a cool, heavy metal font. You have to admit that this new version is pretty bad-ass. 

Click the images to view larger versions

Fifteen Taxidermied Musical Acts

Collection, found photographs, Fifteen 160 x160 pixel squares, 2009

"We were dead, but we started a band!"

My posts about the Frog Band piqued my interest in the subculture of taxidermied animals performing in bands. A thorough search of the internet turned up this collection of fifteen musical acts. Finding these performers was no easy task. The internet is filled with fake animals in bands and anthropomorphic taxidermy, but it's much harder than you think to find a deceased animal handling a musical instrument or singing. I also had to make some tough calls and exclude animals that looked too alive.

These musical groups are part of a rich history. The art of anthropomorphic taxidermy has thrived since the Victorian era. You can read all about it on the exhaustively researched website Taxidermy4Cash.com. [Editor's note: This is also a fantastic resource for making some good money during the recession. Get your hands on some antique taxidermy and you're set.]

I'm On A Boat (Remix)

Found drawing, crayon and chalk on paper, 8 1/2 x 11 inches, 2009

I was walking in my neighborhood yesterday when I found this drawing on the sidewalk in front of a middle school. It had been stomped on a few times and the artist appeared to be long gone.

In the drawing, a young girl in a small boat bobs around in rough seas. For a scribbly crayon drawing, I was struck by the sadness and isolation it depicts. I liked the drawing so much that I was compelled to dig deeper into the story and bring additional details to life. With pencil and colored pencils, I completed the drawing exactly as, I assume, the original artist would have liked:

 

In the modified version, the girl has a more measured take on her predicament: her messy scowl replaced by a disturbed pout and her freightened stare calmed by the presence of friendly marine animals and a larger, more comfortable boat. I actually destroyed a lot of what was good about the original drawing, but you have to admit that it's nice to have some depth and shading.

That really worked out great! I'm currently exploring this concept of adults finishing the art of children. I think I can make some serious money on this. Most parents would happily pay $50-$100 to have a guy with a blog punch-up their kid's work and make it look professional.

SPECIAL OFFER: For the next few months, in order to build my portfolio and create a business plan, I will finish any kid's drawings for FREE! Send your (young) kid's art to [email protected].